BabySitters' Colorado Vacation
by WildAngels
Summary: The BSC spend winter break in a small town in Colorado called South Park. Claudia tries to get high, Stacey falls in luv, Mary Anne bonds with Butters, and Kristy takes on a young boy named Eric Cartman. South Park crossover.
1. Exciting News

**Baby-Sitters' Colorado Vacation**

**Chapter 1**

**Exciting News**

I thunder up the stairs to Claudia Kishi's bedroom with exciting news to share with my friends and fellow members of the Baby-Sitters Club. With two minutes to spare, I adjust my visor as I take a seat in my director's chair. Claudia is passing out smushed Twinkies to everyone and I decline because they don't look very appetizing. Stacey McGill declines because she's a diabetic and Dawn Scahfer declines because she says she won't touch processed sugar with a ten-foot pole. Only Mary Anne Spier hesitantly takes one, probably because she doesn't want to hurt Claudia's feeling.

I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and the voices of our two junior officers, Mallory Pike and Jessi Ramsey.

"No, Jessi, Edward is waaay better than Jacob," I hear Mallory say.

"Whatever!" I hear Jessi shoot back. "Jacob is soooo much hotter! And he's not a pedophile like Edward!"

Abby Stevenson rolls her eyes. "Oh, God, are they going on about Twilight again?"

Mallory and Jessi enter Claudia's room. Mallory is wearing a shirt that says TEAM EDWARD and Jessi is wearing one that says TEAM JACOB.

Let me introduce myself and my friends to you. I could write an entire chapter about us, but I don't want to bore you, so I'll just give you the low-down. My name is Kristy Thomas and I'm the President of the BSC because I came up with the idea and I have great ideas! I have a large family and my stepfather is a millionaire! Claudia is the VP since we hold meetings at her house because she has her own privet phone line. Claud is Japanese-American and is a poor student in school, but she has a passion for dressing wildly, art, and junk food! Claud's best friend is Stacey who is the treasurer. Stacey is a sophisticated New York City girl and is always in LUV with some random guy. My best friend is Mary Anne who is the secretary. She's really sensitive and likes cats. Mary Anne's other best friend is also her stepsister, Dawn, who is from California and is an activist for animal rights and the planet. She is a very passionate person! She's the alternate office. Abby is new to the club. She's Jewish and likes to tell jokes - just like Jerry Seinfeld! Everyone in the club is thirteen except for Mallory and Jessi who are eleven. Mallory is white and Jessi is black. Well, there you go! That's the BSC in a nutshell!

The clock turns 5:30 and I clear my throat. "This meeting of the Baby-Stitters Club will now come to order and I have some very exciting news to share with all of you!"

Everyone turns their attention towards me.

"What?" asks Stacey.

"As you all know winter break starts tomorrow."

My friends nod.

"We're not going to have to do some kiddie snow festival are we?" asks Dawn.

I glare at her. "No. Listen. So Watson has a bunch of business meetings during that time in a mountain town in Colorado and his company allowed for the whole family to go, but due to schedule conflicts and stuff like that, only Charlie, Sam, Karen, and I can go with him, so in place of Mom, Nannie, David Michael, Emily Michelle, and Andrew, Watson said I could invite five of you guys."

Claudia frowns as she looks around the room and does a quick head count. "Wait a minute, there are seven of us to choose from."

"Yeah, two of you can't go," I say. I look at Mallory and Jessi apologetically. "Sorry you guys."

"Wait, why are we the ones who can't go?" asks Jessi. "It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

"That is so stale!" Mallory cries.

"It has nothing to do with skin color," I reply. "You two are the youngest and by default that means you can't go."

"That is so unfair!" Mallory whines.

"Yeah, that's totally NOT fresh, Kristy," Jessi pouts. She stands up. "C'mon, Mal, I can tell when we're not wanted. Let's go to your house and watch Twilight."

"Yeah, you guys can have your stupid winter break vacation and we'll have Edward and Jacob!" Mallory sticks her tongue out at me and I shrug as they leave.

"So can you guys go to Colorado with me?" I ask the remaining members of the BSC.

"Yes!" they all reply in unison.

"Kristy, when have we ever turned down a BSC adventure?" asks Stacey.

"Where's Colorado?" asks Claud.

"It's between Kansas and Utah," replies Mary Anne.

"Where's Kansas and Utah?" asks Claud.

Oh, boy.

"So where in Colorado are we going?" asks Stacey. "It's Aspen, isn't it? I can't wait to get on the slopes!" She makes a swooshing noise as she mimes skiing. "I'm gonna get me a sugar daddy!"

"It's not Aspen!" I reply.

"Yay, Telluride!"

"It's not Telluride."

"Vail?"

"It's not Vail."

"Just let her tell us, Stacey," Dawn says irritably.

"South Park," I tell them.

"I've not familiar with that ski resort," Stacey replies. "Maybe they're one of those cute little ski towns like Breckenridge or Copper Mountain."

I shrug. "Watson says it's a small town like Stoneybrook," I offer. "And Aspen and Denver are in driving distance so maybe Charlie and Sam can take us there for a few days."

"This is so exciting," says Mary Anne. "I love taking trips with you guys!"

My friends and I've taken many vacations together - New York, California, Massachusetts, Hawaii, Europe, New York again, California again, a road trip across the USA...

"And you guys, I have a great idea," I begin.

"Of course you do," Abby teases.

"Since this is a small mountain town, I'm sure there will be lots of families, so

I think we should offer our services while we're there! I've already made brochures to pass out to the parents when we get there."

"Oh, Kristy!" Stacey whines. "I don't want to baby-sit when we're in Colorado. I want to be skiing the slopes and looking for LUV!"

"We already have corporations set up on the both sides of the coast," I point out, "why not put one in the middle of the country too?"

"But that's because Dawn's friends run the one in California!" Abby replies. "When we leave North Park, who's going to run that one?"

"South Park," I correct her, "and I'm the President so whatever I say, we're going to do."

My friends groan except for Mary Anne.

Stacey rolls her eyes. "Whatever. But you better not let baby-sitting interfere with my finding TRUE LUV on the slopes!"

Colorado here we come!

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

"No, Kitty, these are my extra-spicy, extra-crunchy chipotle buffalo wings, you can't have any!" Eric Cartman screams at his meowing cat as he settles onto his usual place on the couch.

"Meow."

"Goddamnit, Kitty! Leave me alone!" Cartman yells again. He reaches for the remote to turn the TV on. It's 2:59 and Terrance and Phillip's show is about to begin. He pushes the power button but nothing happens. "Damnit!" he shouts hitting the remote against his plate and trying again. Nothing. "MAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM! The TV won't turn on! Can you come in and turn it on for meeeeee?"

"Coming, hun." A few seconds later his mother shuffles in the room, holding what looks to be a rolled-up thin magazine in one hand. She flicks the power button on the TV. "Is that the right channel?"

"Yah," Cartman replies. "Maaaammmm?"

"Yes, hun?"

"These buffalo wings are making me awfully thirsty. Can I have some Mountain Dew?"

"Of course, poopsie. Would you like some Cheesy Poofs too?"

"Yah, I want Cheesy Poofs!"

Picking up another hot wing, he focuses his attention back to the TV.

"Say, Terrance, can I borrow your car?"

"Sure, Philip, but what's wrong with yours?"

"It's ran out of gas!"

"Well, I think I have some spare gas I can share with you!" Terrance farts on Philip and the Canadian comedy duo erupt into a peal of laughter.

"This show is so fucking funny," Cartman says licking his fingers.

His mom returns with his beverage and Cheesy Poofs during the first commercial break.

"Maaaamm, what's that you're holding?"

"Oh, well, a group of girls are offering a baby-sitting service while they're here in South Park and I think it would be a great opportunity to get you one so Mommy can go out like a normal person."

"But Maaammmm, I don't need a baby-sitter! I'm old enough to take care of myself."

"You're only nine, Eric. And I know you're a very mature young man, but you still need a baby-sitter if Mommy wants to go out during the evening...or all night. These girls are very professional! They have their own business called the Baby-Sitters Club back in Connecticut where they're from."

"Baby-Sitters Club!" scoffs Cartman.

"Yes, this brochure here tells me all about the club and the members."

"There aren't any Jewish members are there?" Cartman asks. "Wait, Mam! I think you should tell Stan's mom and Kenny's mom and especially Kyle's mom about this baby-sitting service because I'm sure they'll need it too."

"What a wonderful idea, Eric!" Mrs. Cartman exclaims. "I'll call all of them right now."

"Sweeeet," Cartman whispers as his mom leaves the room.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

The next day Cartman meets Stan, Kyle, and Kenny at the bus stop. They were all glaring at him.

"Why the angry looks, gentlemen?" he asks.

"You know damn well why we're pissed off at you, Cartman!" Stan shouts. "Your mom told our moms about this baby-sitting group and now our parents are going to hire lame-ass baby-sitters for us!"

"Yeah, thanks a lot, fatass!" Kyle furrows his brow.

"Mmmphhhh mpphhhh mpphhhh!" Kenny shouts

"Yeah!" agree Stan and Kyle.

"I don't know why you're blaming me!" Cartman says innocently. "It was MY mom who called YOUR moms. I had nothing to do with it!"

"My mom said your mom said it was your idea to call her," Kyle angrily spats. "And now my mom already has a baby-sitter lined up for Ike and me! Now everybody at school is going to think I'm a big baby!"

"Relax, Kahl," Cartman assures him. "Everyone at school already thinks you're a big baby!"

"Shut up, Cartman!"

The bus pulls up in front of them and takes the four boys to school.

**Author's notes: okay, so I decided not to have Jessi and Mal be invited to SP because I have ideas for the other girls, but I couldn't think of any story lines for them, plus they're lame and annoying (:**


	2. I Hart Joows

**Baby-Sitters' Colorado Vacation**

**Chapter 2**

**I Hart Joows**

_Deer Janeen,_

_Greetings frum Calleraddoh! Thare r lots uf mowtens heer! Wut a buetafull state! Sowth Parck is a small town. I think the saim rkateck bilt all the howses becuz they all loock the same! The famylyes seem too lof r baybe-sitting servus becuse we r getting lots uf bizzness! I baybe-sat fore too kids nymed Kyeull and Iycke Broffloffsky. They r Joowish and vary smart lyke u!_

_Ur sistur,_

_Klawdeeuh_

"This meeting of the Baby-Sitters Club in Colorado will now come to order!" Kristy announces.

We're all gathered around the bedroom Kristy, Mary Anne, and Dawn are sharing in the condo we're staying in. (Stacey, Abby, and I are sharing another).

"Kristy, this is ridiculous," Stacey says. She looks out the window at the snow covered mountains and sighs. "We should be out there skiing!"

"This isn't a ski town," Kristy replies. "Breckenridge is the nearest ski resort and it's an hour away and Watson said he would drive us to the slopes when he has time. Besides, we're baby-sitters and baby-sitting is what we do!"

"It's so cold here!" Dawn says, shivering.

Abby rolls her eyes. "Well, what do you expect? It's winter and we're in Colorado."

"I'd rather be in California!" Dawn cries.

"Geeze, Dawn, not everywhere can be California!" I say.

"You guys, we should totally go to Boulder instead of Denver," Stacey tells us. "Boulder is way more chilly than Denver."

"Well, I hear Denver is pretty chilly too," Abby jokes.

"Why do we want to see a boulder?" I ask. "There are mountains all over the place!"

Dawn rolls her eyes. "She means the town, Claud."

"Yeah, the University of Colorado is located in Boulder so we can try to get some college guys' numbers!" exclaims Stacey. "Wouldn't that be totally fresh?"

"Oooh!" I say. "Count me in!"

The phone rings and Kristy squeals. "Our first client in Colorado! I knew handing out all the brochures and posting up fliers would get us customers!" She regains her composure and answers the phone with a serious voice. "Hello, Baby-Sitters Club. This is Kristy Thomas, president and founder. How may I help you?" She listens and nods. "Uh huh....uh huh....yep, we sure do...uh, yeah, we'll sit for Jewish kids." She gives us a weird look. "What was your name again? Okay, Mrs. Broflovski, let me get your number and I'll call you right back when we find a sitter for your kids." She hangs up the phone. "Who wants our first job in South Park? Tomorrow night, two kids, ages nine and three, Kyle and Ike Broflovski. Who wants it?"

"I'll take it!" I volunteer.

We end up scheduling many jobs and Kristy looks very satisfied. "This is so great; soon we'll have a Baby-Sitters Club corporation stationed in every state! Maybe in every country!"

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

The next evening I walk up to the house where I'm intended to baby-sit. Like I told Janine (she's my older sister) in my letter, all the houses look the same, so I think the same architect built them all.

Since I love expressing myself in what I wear, I spent most of the afternoon coming up with an awesome outfit and I must say that I was wearing a Claudia Kishi original! Since the family I was baby-sitting for is Jewish, I had decided to wear something to let them know that I love the Jews! I had found a long black sweater and with white puff paint, I had drawn the star of David on the front and a menorah on the back. From magazines, I had cut out photos of famous Jewish celebrities: Steven Spielberg (I know he's Jewish because he made that movie about that list that Schindler guy wrote), Adam Sandler (I know he's Jewish because he sings The Hanukkah Song, the only Jewish Christmas carol I know), Winona Ryder (because she's mentioned in the Jewish Christmas carol), and Barbra Streisand (Abby told me she's Jewish). On one leg of my pants I wrote I HART and on the other leg I wrote JOOWS. I thought I was pretty clever writing out the word heart instead of drawing one. With wire I made earrings in the shape of swastikas, but put a slash through them to show I was against them because Abby told me they're associated with the Nazis and the Nazis were bad people!

I ring the doorbell and a few seconds later a toddler opens the door. "Boom, baby!" he greets me. I'm a little alarmed because the top half of his head detaches itself from the bottom half, but he seems okay, so it must be a birth defect or something.

"Hi, you must be Ike," I say. "I'm Claudia, your baby-sitter!"

Ike says something in gibberish and I follow him inside the house.

"Oh, you must be the baby-sitter." A plump woman with her red hair in an updo comes into the living room. "I'm Sheila Broflovksi." She looks a little shocked when she sees my outfit. "Oh, well, that's a very eccentric outfit."

"Thank you," I reply proudly. I'm not sure what eccentric means, but I'm sure it means something like "brilliant" or "extraordinary".

"My husband and I are having dinner at our Country Club and we'll be home around ten. Here's the number if you need to reach us. Oh, and whatever you do, please don't go in the basement."

"What's in the basement?" I ask, intrigued.

"Nothing you need to know about," she replies, giving me an irritated look. "Kyle!" she yells. "The baby-sitter is here! Come and say hello to her."

"Aww, mom, I'm harvesting my crops right now!" a voice says from upstairs.

"KYLE, DO AS I SAY!" the woman screams.

"All right, all right!" A few second later, the older boy walks down the stairs. He's wearing an orange jacket and a funny green hat.

"Whoa, dibble hat," I tell him. I totally want one.

"Uh, thanks." He gives me an odd look.

"Kyle, it's not polite to stare," his mother tells him. "This is Claudia."

"Hi, we're going to have lots of fun tonight!" I tell him.

"Uh huh." He sounds unsure.

Once Kyle and Ike's parents leave, I turn to them. "So what do you guys want to do?"

Kyle shrugs.

"I pooped my pants!" Once again, Ike's head starts flapping in an unnatural way.

"Why does your brother's head do that?" I ask Kyle. "That doesn't seem normal to you, does it?"

"No, dude, it's totally normal," Kyle informs me. "Ike's Canadian."

"Wait, I thought you guys were Jewish!" I reply.

Kyle gives me a weird look. "You can be both."

"Oh, yeah!" I cry. "That does make sense. He's Jewish-Canadian, just like I'm Japanese-American!"

"Uh, yeah."

"So where's Canada?" I ask. "Is that in Europe?"

Kyle looks shocked. "You don't know where Canada is!"

"No, should I?"

"Oh my god, dude! It's the country above the United States!"

"Wait, there's a country above the U.S.?" I exclaim.

"Uh, yeah...what did you think that big landmass was?"

"I thought that was Alaska!"

Again, Kyle looks shocked. "All of it?"

"Whoa, I guess I should start paying more attention in geology class!" I laugh.

"I think you mean geography."

"Hey, who wants to play a game?" I ask. "I brought my Kid-Kit with me!"

"I can't, I have to study for the spelling bee," Kyle says.

"Wow, you must have to be a good speller!" I tell him. "With a last name like yours!"

"Uh, I guess."

"Well, let me help you!" I say. "What do you want me to do?"

"Um, just take these flashcards and tell me the word and I'll spell it and you tell me if I spelled it correctly." Kyle pauses. "You do know how to read, don't you?"

"Well, of course I do!" I reply indignantly. "I read Nancy Drew books all the time!"

We sit on opposites end of the couch and I pick up the first card. It says "verisimilitude". I have never seen this word before in my life. "Okay, your first word is very-simy-lit-ude."

"Huh?" Kyle asks.

Ike boings over to me and looks at the card. "Ver-uh-si-mil-i-tood," he says clearly.

"Oh, thanks, Ike." Kyle proceeds to spell the word correctly.

"This is boring!" I announce. "Hey, so what's in your basement? Your mom said we weren't allowed down there."

"Oh, yeah, my dad has his cheesing contraption down there. They don't think I know about it, but I do-"

"Cheese!" I exclaim. "I love cheese!"

"Wait, Claudia, it's not what you think!" Kyle shouts after me, but I'm already halfway down the stairs. He follows me down and the only thing I see in the basement once I turn the lights on is some weird device with straps and a TV in front of it.

"Hey, where's all the cheese?" I ask, disappointed. I'm really craving some Monterey Jack!

"When I said cheesing, I didn't literally mean cheese," Kyle informs me. "It's what they call it when you get high off of cat piss."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, see, you put the cat in here, then you turn on this video of another cat. Then you put your face behind the cat's butt and when he sees cat on the video, he'll get territorial and spray his urine into your face."

"I didn't know you could get high off of cat piss," I say. Wow, you really do learn something new everyday! "So have you tried it before?" I ask Kyle.

"No, but my friend Kenny has many times. When he was high, he said he saw boobs all over the place, so I think you see an abundance of whatever you love when you're cheesing because Kenny's a little pervert."

I imagine a sea of chocolate and lollipop flowers and cotton candy clouds.

"Claudia, are you okay?"

I snap out of my trance. "Kyle!" I turn to him and put my hands on his shoulders. "This is very serious...do you have a cat?"

"No!"

"Do you know where we could find a cat?"

"No, dude, I'm not finding you a cat. My mom and dad would kill me if they found out I let you use this machine!"

I let him go. I was going to find a cat even if it meant spending my entire vacation searching for one. I wanted to go to my chocolate and candy fantasy world!

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

"So, Kahl, how was your baby-sitter last night?" Cartman asks smugly the next day at the bus stop.

"Yeah, how was she?" asks Stan. "My mom already got a baby-sitter for me tonight."

"I hope it's not Claudia!" Kyle tells him.

"No, her name is Stacey," Stan replies. "Why?"

"You guys, she was totally fucking insane!" Kyle exclaims. "You should have seen the outfit she was wearing." He describes it to his friends.

"Oh, God, I hope they're all not Jew lovers," Cartman scoffs.

"Mmphhhh mphhhh mphhh!" Kenny exclaims.

"I know, right!" Kyle agrees.

"Dude," Stan says.

"And that wasn't the worst part!" Kyle exclaims. "She was such a fucking moron! She thought Canada was Alaska and didn't know Canada existed!"

"Oh my God!" exclaims Stan.

Cartman laughs. "What a dumbass."

"And she found out about my dad's cheesing contraption, and now she's trying to find a cat to get high!" Kyle pauses. "Not that it will really matter since she doesn't have many brain cells left to begin with."

"Mphhh! Mphhh! Mhhh mphhh mphhh!" Kenny exclaims.

"Uh, yeah, my dad has his own cheesing machine," Kyle replies. "I probably shouldn't have told you that, Kenny."

Kenny gives him a dirty look.

"Well, hopefully my baby-sitter won't be as insane as yours," Stan says.

**Author's notes: Okay, I know Claud wasn't that stupid in the books, but it's just so much fun to make her an idiot. And I'm not sure where exactly SP is located in CO, but I recently watched the episode where some guy was trying to get to Breckenridge for a job interview and they drove through SP, so it must not be that far away!**


	3. Daddy's Visa Card

**Baby-Sitters' Colorado Vacation**

**Chapter 3**

**Daddy's Visa Card**

_Dear Laine,_

_Hello from Colorado! I wish I could tell you I've been skiing, but we haven't made it to the slopes yet. However I just found out about a college party in Boulder tonight and I am soooo going to that! I'll tell you all about it in another postcard! Unfortunately I have to sit for a kid tonight too so I don't know what I'm going to do! Oh, well, I'm sure I'll think of something!_

_Luv,_

_Stacey_

At out first meeting I had taken a sitting job with a kid named Stan Marsh for tonight. Little did I know, when I woke up the next morning, I discovered there was going to be a huge party at a fraternity at the University of Colorado. (I have an app for that on my iPhone).

"I just have to go to this party!" I tell Claudia at breakfast. "But I have to baby-sit for some dumb kid tonight! I can't believe Kristy is making us do this while we're on our vacation!"

"Ask one of the other girls to sit for him instead," Claud suggests.

"Great idea, Claud!" I say.

I ask everyone, but Mary Anne, Abby, and Kristy already have sitting jobs and Dawn said she promised Watson she would watch Karen while he was at his meetings.

"I could fill in for you," Claud says when I tell her it's no use. "If you really want to go to the party."

"No, Claud, you can't because you're going to the party with me!"

"But how are you going to go if you have to baby-sit?" Claud asks me.

"I'll have to think of that later. But right now we need to do some serious shopping if we want to look hot for those college guys!"

Charlie agrees to drive us to the South Park Mall and Claud and I find Paris Hilton's clothing store, Spoiled Stupid Whore, on the first floor.

"This is perfect!" I exclaim. "We'll be sure to find a super dibble look here!"

"Wow, these clothes are perfect for you!" Claud exclaims. "Too bad there's not a Stupid Spoiled Whore store in Stoneybrook!"

"I know!" I pout.

I try on a pair of skin-tight red leather pants and a black bustier which I stuff with Kleenex. My parents are so stale. They tell me I cant' get a boob job until I'm eighteen. I look in the mirror and toss my perfect fluffy blonde hair over my shoulder.

"Well, hello there," I say in my most sexy voice pretending I'm talking to a college guy.

I don't mean to sound conceited, but I am so, so, so, so hot. I know girls are jealous of me because all the hot guys want a piece of me and I have this really slamming body with a bodacious ass.

"Wow, Stace, that Stupid Spoiled Whore outfit looks perfect on you!" Claud says when I show her the outfit. "You should totally get it!"

"Oh, I plan to! Thank goodness for Daddy's Visa Card!"

We both laugh.

"How far away is Pebble?" asks Claud once I've paid for my new clothes.

"Boulder," I correct her, "and, um, I think it's two hours away. Damn...we're going to have to get someone to drive us."

"Maybe Charlie will."

"Yeah, but I don't want him to know we're going to a college party or he might tell his stepdad on us. I'll have to think of something."

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

I hum as I ring the doorbell of the dark green house later that evening. Everything is falling perfectly into place and I have no doubt I'll be going to that party tonight. It cost me three BJs, but Charlie had agreed to drive Claud and me to Boulder. (One for actually driving us there, one for not telling Watson, and one for not telling Kristy or the other members). Of course, I still had the kid to worry about and while I'm sure sexual favors wouldn't work on a nine year old, I knew I could bribe him. I was wearing my full-length Balenciaga coat over my new outfit.

The door opens and a homely girl about my age with brown hair and headgear answers the door. She glares at me. Probably because she's jealous that I'm so beautiful. "Hey, turd! Your baby-sitter is here!" she slurps.

"Shelly, is that the baby-sitter?" asks a woman.

"Yeah, Mom."

"Hi, I'm Stacey," I introduce myself to Mrs. Marsh.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice, Stacey," Mrs. Marsh tells me. "Normally Shelly watches Stan, but she's staying over at a friend's house tonight and I'm meeting my husband at a hotel so we can have some alone time together if you know what I mean." She winks.

"Eww, gross, Mom!" Shelly shrieks.

"No problem," I tell her. This is good, I don't have to worry about anybody coming home early.

"Can I take your coat?"

"Oh, no, I'll keep it on if you don't mind."

She chuckles. "Oh, you're just like my little angel, Stan. He never takes off his coat either."

At that moment a young boy with a brown coat and a blue hat with red trim came into the room with his arms crossed. "Mom, why can't Grandpa just watch me?" he whines.

"Stanley, your grandfather is one hundred and two years old! I just don't think it would be a good idea for him to watch you alone. Besides, he's already gone to bed! This is Stacey, she's going to watch you."

"Hi, Stan!" I say with lots of enthusiasm as the boy glares at me.

"We'll, well be back tomorrow morning! You can sleep in our room, Stacey!"

"You're allowing a thirteen year old to stay the night!" Stan cries.

"Oh, don't worry, Stan," I tell him. "I can assure you that I am very sophisticated for my age. I grew up in New York City, my parents are divorced, and I have diabetes. Plus I have great taste in clothes as you can tell from my coat." If that doesn't make someone sophisticated, then I don't know what does.

"Wow, Kyle was right," he mutters.

"Goodbye, Stan!" Mrs. Marsh calls to her son as she and Shelly leave and I watch as their car pulls out of the driveway and down the street.

I turn to Stan and whip off my coat.

"Whoa, dude,I don't think that outfit is appropriate for baby-sitting!" he tells me.

There's no time to waste. "Stan, how would you like to go to Boulder tonight?"

"Boulder!" he exclaims. "Why do I want to go to Boulder? That's two hours away!"

I roll my eyes. "Because, silly, there's a big party at the U tonight and we're going to crash it! Along with my friend Claudia!"

"But I'm only nine and you're thirteen," he says. "I don't think we'll be able to get in to any college party."

"Um, excuse me," I say. "But are you blind or something? No college guy will be able to resist this hot bod!" I gesture to myself.

"How are we even going to get there?" asks Stan. "You can't drive!"

"I already have that arranged."

"Why can't I just stay here?" Stan asks.

I roll my eyes again. "Because, silly, I'm your baby-sitter and I'm supposed to watch you! Now doesn't a road trip sound like fun?"

"Not really."

I smile at him and grab my purse and take out my Juicy Couture wallet. I open it and whip out Daddy's Visa card. "You see this, kid? This is my Daddy's Visa card. I will buy you anything you want as long as you come with us and keep your mouth shut."

Stan's eyes widen. "Really? Anything I want?"

"That's right. Tomorrow I'll take you to the South Park Mall and you can pick out whatever you want."

"No." He glares at me.

"No!" I exclaim. I was sure my plan would work!

"If you want me to go with you and keep my mouth shut, then you need to buy me whatever I want BEFORE we go. How will I know you'll come back tomorrow?"

"Look, kid, you have my word."

"You expect me to buy that line?"

I glare at him and he glares back. "All right, fine," I sigh. "When Charlie comes, I'll have him drive us to the South Park Mall before we head on out to Boulder."

When Charlie pulls up with Claudia (she's wearing a dress she made entirely out of feathers, safety pins, and keyrings), Stan and I get into the backseat next to her. Sam is sitting in the passenger seat.

"Hello, Samuel," I greet him. "I didn't know you would be joining us."

He turns and grins at me. "Are you kidding me? Free alcohol and drunk college chicks? I am so there."

"Hi!" Claudia says to Stan. "I'm Claudia! Do you have a cat?"

"Oh, hi, I'm Stan. My friend Kyle told me about you. And, no, I don't have a cat. Sorry."

"Why do you need to find a cat, Claud?" I ask. "Oh, never mind, I don't care. Charlie, we need to make a stop at the South Park Mall before we go to Boulder."

He gives me an annoyed look through the rearview mirror. "I already drove you there this afternoon!"

"I know, but we need to make another stop," I reply testily, glaring at Stan who just smirks at me.

"Why do we need to go to the mall?" asks Charlie as he starts the engine and pulls out of the drive.

"I think Stacey bribed the kid so he won't tell his parents where she's taking him tonight," Sam tells him.

"Ahhhh, I see," Charlie nods. "Pulling out the old Daddy's Visa Card, are we Stace?"

"I wish I had a Daddy's Visa Card," Claud pouts. She pauses. "But not as much as I wish I had a cat."

Charlie finds a parking place at the mall. "We'll just wait in the car for you," he tells Stan and me. "Don't take too long though. We have a long trip ahead and back for us."

"Don't worry, I know exactly what I want," Stan says and I follow him into the mall where he leads me to the Apple store.

"This is what I want," he says pointing to the iPad.

"The iPad?" I ask. "Seriously?"

Stan nods. "Yes, it's the new technology accessory that's sweeping the nation and my friends will be totally jealous when they see I have one, especially Cartman."

I lean over and look at the price. Good Lord! Five hundred dollars for this thing?"

Stan crosses his arms. "Fine, then I'll tell my parents that you were irresponsible and brought me to a college party two hours away where there was drinking and drugs and all of those immoral things that a sweet, innocent child like me shouldn't be a part of."

"Fine, whatever, whatever will keep your trap shut," I say. It was my dad's money anyway and my dad makes lots of money. He probably won't even notice a five hundred dollar purchase on his statement!

"Hurray" Stan shouts. "Now I can log on to the Internet any time I want."

After I make the purchase, we walk back to the car, Stan already playing with his new gadget. I open the back door and wait for him to get in. He doesn't move.

"Stan, you can play with your new toy on the way to Boulder," I tell him. "Now get in the car."

He shakes his head. "No way, I'm not going to sit in the back seat of this small car on a two hour drive. I want to sit in the front!"

"But Sam's sitting in the front," I reply.

"If I have to sit in the back, I'll tell my parents!"

"But I already bought you what you wanted!" I hiss.

Stan shrugs. "I don't care. I want to sit in the front."

Clenching my teeth, I motion for Sam to roll down his window. "Are you guys getting in the car or what?" he asks.

"Sam, Stan wants to sit in the front, so can you sit in the back with Claud and me?" I ask.

Sam glares at Stan. "No way, little dude! I'm bigger than you and I need more room to stretch my legs."

"Sam, just get in the back!" I plead.

Sam rolls his eyes. "Oh, God, did he blackmail you again, Stacey? You are the worst baby-sitter ever." He looks at Stan. "Look, kid, I'll give you a dollar if you let me sit in the front."

"Oh, a whole dollar!" Stan says sarcastically. "How fucking stupid do you think I am?"

"Stacey will give you fifty dollars," Charlie speaks up.

"Charlie!" I exclaim.

"You already bought him a five hundred dollar gadget, what's a few dollars more?" he asks and I have to admit he has a point.

"Fine, I'll give you fifty dollars if you let Sam stay in the front," I agree.

Stan thinks this over. "One hundred and you have a deal."

"I only have twenty on me," I tell him.

"That's okay, there's a bank right over there," Stan says.

Once Stan has his money, he seems satisfied and Charlie heads for Boulder.

Two long hours later, Charlie pulls up to the frat house where the party is being held. It's already in full-swing with loud music being pumped from speakers and drunk college kids streaking across the lawn.

"This party looks super chilly!" Claud exclaims. "I wonder if anyone knows about cheesing."

"Okay, everyone," Charlie says as we all climb out of the car. "Let's meet back here by midnight. Does everyone have a phone?"

We all nod. Stan starts to walk off, but I grab him by his coat's collar.

"Oh, no you don't," I tell him. "You're staying with me. I'm still your baby-sitter and I can't let you out of my sight."

Stan scowls as I drag him into the house with Claudia following me. The speakers blare All She Wants to do is Dance while kids dance, scream at each other to drink from kegs, and strip off their clothes and make out with random strangers. I am in heaven!

"Well, well, well, look what the cat brought in."

"Did somebody say cat?" Claud perks up.

"Oh, Jesus Christ." Stan slaps his hand to his forehead and scrunches his eyes. "Not you again."

A tall gorgeous guy with blonde hair walks up to us with two guys following him. "Look, fellows, if it isn't our friend...Stan DARSH! What are you doing on our property, Darsh?" He looks at me and flashes a brilliant smile. "And who are you? You are much too gorgeous to being hang out with Darsh."

I flip my hair over my shoulders and give him a dazzling smile of my own in return "I'm Stacey McGill. I'm Stan's, uh, cousin from New York City."

"Whoa, New York City, impressive. The name's Tad," he introduces himself. "And if you want to have a good time, you came to the right place, am I right fellows? Huh huh huh huh."

"How do you know Stan?" I ask.

"Oh, I challenged him to a ski race in Aspen and he ended up winning only because he cheated!" Tad glares at Stan.

"I didn't cheat, dude!" Stan exclaims. "It was your own fault you're a sucky skier!"

Tad reaches behind him and pulls out two bottles from a tub filled with ice. "Here you go,Stacey, how about some peach Schnapps?"

"Do you think it's a good idea for you to drink?" Stan asks me. "You're only-"

"Eighteen," I say quickly. "I'm only eighteen, but it's okay, I've had alcohol before."

"Awesome, let's go party!" Tad shouts over the music. He takes my hand while handing me another bottle and I follow him.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Stan watches as that douche bag, Tad, leads his sorry excuse for a baby-sitter upstairs and into a room. He knows Stacey is a spoiled city slut, but deep down inside of his compassionate heart, he also knows that she is just a thirteen year old girl, just one year older than Shelly, and doesn't deserve to be taken advantage of, especially from a douche like Tad. Plus, he would feel bad if something bad happened to her because she was nice to buy him that iPad and give him a hundred dollars. Sighing, Stan knows he must do what is right. He runs up the stairs and opens the door just in time to see Douche Bag Tad trying to pry off Stacey's skin tight leather is nearly passed out on the bed, moaning, her hands clutched to her stomach.

"Ugh, I don't feel good!"

"Hey!" Tad shouts when he sees Stan. "We're trying to have a little privacy here! Get out!"

"I can't let you do this, Tad. I can't let you take advantage of my baby-sitter no matter how much she may be asking for it. You see, I learned something today. It's not nice to take advantage of somebody unless you have something you can blackmail them with, then it's completely okay."

"Thanks a lot, DARSH!" Tad yells at him. "You just love ruining my life, don't you?" He runs out of the room.

"Oh, Stan, you saved my life!" Stacey cries as she throws her arms around the young boy.

"Well, I think I just saved you from getting a venereal disease," Stan replies modestly.

"Stan, I'm so sorry I was such a bitch to you, will you ever forgive me?" Stacey pleads. "I owe you my life! I am forever indebted to you! I love you, Stan Marsh! Oh, I don't feel so good!" And with that she opens her mouth and pukes all over Stan.

"Gross!" he shrieks. "Now I know how Wendy feels."


	4. Fish Sticks

**Baby-Sitters' Colorado Vacation**

**Chapter 4**

**Fish Sticks**

_Dear Anna,_

_How's life in Stoneybrook? Kristy's having us baby-sit while we're in Colorado, can you believe that? Typical Kristy! I actually don't mind because I baby-sat for a really cool kid today! He wants to be a comedian when he grows up and he's really funny! Maybe someday we'll see him on Comedy Central!_

_Yours till the bus stops,_

_Abby_

I wake up at nine on Saturday because I have a sitting job at ten-thirty. Everyone is up and eating breakfast in the kitchen except for Stacey, Claudia, Sam, and Charlie. I'm not surprised that Sam and Charlie are still asleep, but usually Claud and Stacey are up the same time as we are. Come to think of it, they weren't in the room when I went to bed at eleven and when I woke up this morning, Claudia was passed out in her bed wearing this bizarre dress she made out of keychains, safety pins, and feathers and Stacey's bed hadn't even been touched.

Just when I'm about to ask where Stacey might be, the door opens and Stacey walks in, a dazed look on her face.

"Stacey! Where have you been?" Mary Anne demands. "Have you been out all night?"

"Yeah, she had a sitting job overnight, remember?" Kristy says.

"Are you okay, Stacey?" I ask as she collapses onto the couch.

"You guys," she whispers. "I think.....I'm in luv!"

I catch Dawn's eye and we both roll our eyes. If I had a dollar for every time Stacey falls "in luv" whenever we go on one of our BSC trips, I'd be a millionaire, no joke.

Kristy yawns. "That's nice. Do you want to go ice-skating with us at Stark's Pond this afternoon? Abby can't go because she has to baby-sit and Dawn's not going because she's allergic to winter, but you're welcome to join the rest of us."

Stacey harrumphs. "Don't you want to hear about the new love of my life? He saved my life last night!"

"Ugh, why do you smell like smoke and alcohol?" Dawn demands. "You need to take a shower to watch that stank off!"

"Fine, I'll tell Claudia!" Stacey insists as she stands up and heads upstairs. "I know that she'll want to hear about my new luv!"

I finish getting ready and head out for my first baby-sitting job in South Park. It's such a beautiful day that maybe I'll ask Charlie if he can drive my charge and me to Breckenridge to ski. True I don't have any skiing experience, but I'm sure they have ski school or maybe the kid could teach me if he knows how to ski.

I ring the doorbell and a few seconds later the door opens and a young boy with crutches answers the door. Well, there goes my skiing idea.

"Hello," he greets me. "You must be the con...con...con...you must be the con...con....con....you must be the Con...Connecticut girl!"

"Yes, I'm Abby and you must be Jimmy," I reply as he nods. "Nice to meet you, Jimmy!"

"C-c-come in, won't you?"

Jimmy's parents give me the information I need and tell us they'll be back in a couple of hours.

"Well, I guess it's just you and me, Jimmy," I say once his parents have left.

"D-d-d-do you l-l-like jokes, Ab-ab-ab-abby?" he asks me.

"I love them!" I reply.

"W-w-w-would you like to hear s-s-s-some of my j-j-jokes?"

"Go for it!" I encourage him.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Orange?"

Immediately, I know exactly where this joke is going as Karen Brewer has told me it many times before, but I go along with it. "Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say b-b-b-banana?"

I laugh and Jimmy beams. "Wow, what a great audience! Would you l-l-l-like to hear another?"

"I'd love to!"

"What do you call a c-c-c-c-ow with no legs?"

I shake my head. "I give up. What?"

"Ground beef! Wow, what a great audience!"

"Very funny, I'll have to remember that one for the kids back in Stoneybrook," I say.

"How 'bout another one," Jimmy says. "I never run out of j-j-j-jokes! What did the mother toe-toe-toe-tomato say to the baby toe-toe-toe-tomato?" He pauses. "K-k-ketchup! Get it? K-k-ketchup? C-c-catch up? I got that one from_ P-p-p-p-pulp Fiction_, but don't tell, don't tell, don't, but don't tell my p-p-parents I saw that m-m-m-movie!"

"You are awesome Jimmy," I say. "And very funny."

"Wow, what a great audience!"

"I think you have enough material for your own comedy sketch, you should put one on for the kids of South Park," I tell him.

"The k-k-kids love my j-j-jokes," he stutters. "Those are old jokes, b-b-b-but I'm working on some new m-m-m-material."

I listen as Jimmy tells me more of his jokes until the doorbell rings.

"Are you expecting company?" I ask as I go to answer the door.

"Oh, I hope you don't m-m-mind, but I asked my friend T-T-T-Timmy to come over."

"That's no problem, as long as your parents won't mind," I say as I answer the door to find a kid in a motorized wheelchair. There's drool running down his chin. "TIMMY!" he screams at me.

"Hi, I'm Abby," I say. "I'm Jimmy's baby-sitter."

"TIM-MAY!"

"Timmy doesn't have much of a vo-vo-vo-cabulary," Jimmy explains as Timmy wheels into the room.

"Timmy! TIMMY! Timmy?"

"Oh, it's almost time for lunch," I say. "Are you boys hungry? Your mom said there are fish sticks in the freezer. Do you like fish sticks, Jimmy?"

For some reason, this makes Jimmy collapse onto the floor with laughter.

"TIMMY!" Timmy screams.

"Do YOU like f-f-f-fishsticks, Abby?" Jimmy asks me.

"Sure, they're okay," I reply, not understanding what is so funny.

"Then you must be - then you must be a gay fish!" Again, Jimmy collapses into giggles. "Wow, what a great audience!"

"TIMMY!" Timmy shouts angrily.

"You're r-r-r-right, Timmy, she can't be a gay fish if she's a g-g-g-girl and likes fi-fi-fi-fish sticks."

"Um...," I say. "Oh." I pause. "Okay, I get it. Don't you think that joke is a little too mature for someone your age?"

"N-n-n-not at all! That was a tame j-j-joke for me!"

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

MEANWHILE AT STAN'S HOUSE...

"All right, Stan, this better be good," Cartman huffs as Stan opens the door to let his friends in. "What is it that you want to show us so much that you had us wake up this early on a Saturday?"

"Dude, it's only eleven o'clock!" Kyle exclaims.

"Well, I hate waking up before noon on the weekend!" Cartman retorts.

"Mphh mphhh mpphhh!" Kenny laughs.

"Shut up, Kenny! Your family is poor!"

"You guys, check out what I got last night," Stan says and shows his friends his new iPad.

"Whoa, how did you get that?" asks Kyle. "That thing costs five hundred dollars!"

"My baby-sitter, Stacey, dragged me all the way out to Boulder to go to some lame party and I blackmailed her into buying me this so I wouldn't tell my parents on her!"

"Whoa, dude, that's awesome!" exclaims Kyle giving Stan an admiring look.

"Awesome?" scoffs Cartman. "No, dude, that's weak. You could have blackmailed your baby-sitter into getting you anything and you chose this gay thing? Weeeeeeak, dude, weak."

"It's not gay!" Stan shouts angrily. "On the iPad, you can read books electronically, upload pictures, listen to music, and log on to the Internet at any time!"

"Mphhh mphhh Mphhh!" Kenny replies.

"What do you mean it sounds like a feminine product, Kenny?" asks Cartman. "What does that mean?"

"She also gave me a hundred dollars," Stan adds.

"Dude. No way," Cartman's jaw drops.

"Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" Kyle asks in a giddy voice.

"That the dog from _Lost s_hould have his own spinoff show?" asks Cartman. "Totally."

Kyle glares at him. "No, fatass! If our parents can get Stacey to baby-sit for us, then we can blackmail her into buying cool stuff for us if we threaten to tell Stan's parents about what she did."

"That's actually not a bad idea," Cartman replies. "Sometimes your little Jew brain comes in handy, Kahl."

"Not a bad idea?" Kyle exclaims. "It's brilliant!"

"Mphhh mphhh mphhh!" Kenny says.

"You're right, Kenny, it is a much better idea than when Stan thought we should start our own Pan-flute band," Cartman agrees. "I hope my mom gets Stacey to baby-sit me!"

"You guys, I don't think that's such a good idea," Stan tells them. "I don't think that Stacey is all that stable. I saved her from having drunken sex last night from Tad-"

"Tad? You mean that douche bag we met in Aspen?" Kyle interrupts.

"Yes, and now she's going on about how much she loves me. She even left me this note on my pillow before she left today. It says that we're destined to be together because we have the same initials - S.M. and she dotted all her "i" with hearts. Clearly not a mentally stable person."

"Oh, Jesus, Stan, you are such an idiot," Cartman says. "Of course she's going to fall in love with you if you're all noble and shit."

"Cartman!" Kyle exclaims. "It's not like he could just let Tad have his way with her!"

"Mmmphh mphhh mphhh mphhh?" Kenny asks Stan.

"Well, she's skinny with blonde hair and blue eyes and by society's definition, that equals hot, so yeah, she's pretty," Stan replies. She's just really conceited, though. And crazy. Did I mention she's crazy?"

"Mph mphhh mphhh?" asks Kenny in a gleeful tone.

Cartman rolls his eyes. "Oh, God, Kenny, you are such a perv."

"Well, she is only thirteen, so it's not like she's that developed yet," Stan replies.

Kenny makes a disappointed noise.

"You better not let Wendy find out about her," Kyle warns his friend.

"Yeah, Wendy will go ape shit when she sees an older woman throwing herself at you!" Cartman bursts out laughing. "Oh, what I wouldn't pay to see that!"

"You better not tell her anything, Cartman!" Stan yells.

"Why, Stan?" Cartman asks innocently. "It's not like you have anything to hide. You're not doing anything wrong; it's not your fault that an eight grade girl is throwing herself at you. Why wouldn't Wendy understand that?"

"Cartman, I swear to God, if you tell her anything-"Stan starts.

"You get your cougar to buy me those new Nike shoes, then my lips are sealed," Cartman promises.

"Damnit, Cartman, she's not my cougar!" Stan replies angrily. "What does that mean, anyway?"

"I think it's an older woman who dates younger men because these high school kids were asking me if my mom was a cougar and I told them, no, that my mom isn't a wild cat, and they said they meant if my mom likes younger men."

"Mpph mppphh mpphhh," Kenny explains.

"Oh, so I was right," Cartman says. "Thanks Kenny. Those new Nike shoes. Remember that, Stan."


	5. Thomas V Cartman

**Baby-Sitters' Colorado Vacation**

**Chapter 5**

**Thomas V. Cartman**

Author's notes: I borrowed dialogue from Mrs. Cartman from the episode "Cat Orgy" and there are spoilers about Cartman's dad, so beware if you don't know who it is!

_Dear Shannon,_

_I write you this letter in great shame for I have failed as a baby-sitter. Please, I beg of you, after you have finished reading this, burn the letter. As President of the BSC, I thought I could handle any kid in any situation. Remember Betsy Sobak, the practical jokester who broke Claudia's leg and how I played a joke on her when I took her to the movies and switched seats when she went to get refreshments? Or Erick and Ryan DeWitt, those two rowdy kids from California I had to tame when the BSC visited Dawn's dad when we won the lottery? Well, today, I had to baby-sit for probably the worst kid in the universe and I am not exaggerating. I hope you're prepared for a long letter..._

_Kristy_

I knock on the door of the green house on Saturday evening feeling good about my first sitting job in South Park. After all, I'm the president of the Baby-Sitters Club and I have four younger siblings. Who's better than kids with me? A woman in her thirties answers the door wearing a black dress and a pearl necklace.

"Oh, you must be the baby-sitter. I'm Lianne Cartman. Thank you so much for coming." I step inside. "I was so happy when I found out about your club because it's so difficult finding someone to watch my little Eric when I'm out."

"Oh, it was just a little idea I came up with when I was twelve," I reply modestly. "I just think it's easier for parents to call one place and reach a whole group of experienced baby-sitters instead of having to call them one by one until they can find a sitter."

She leads me into the kitchen. "I'm going to a cocktail party. The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's snookie time is nine o'clock sharp. If his little woogums gets cold, you can turn up the heat right over here." She shows me the thermostat. "And if he gets cranky, just play tummy rub-rubs with him and make sure he wipes good after he makes bears!"

"Bears?"

"He already had burritos for dinner, but if he gets hungry, he can have some Cheezy Poofs. Oh, and if misbehaves, just give him a nice, hard slap across the face."

I gasp. "Mrs. Cartman! I would NEVER hit a child!"

"Very well. Eric!" she calls. "Your baby-sitter is here."

A chubby boy with brown hair saunters into the kitchen. "Are you Stacey?" he asks me.

"No, my name is Kristy."

"Maaaammmmm!" he whines. "I want Staaaaaaaacey!"

"The corporation sent Kristy to watch you tonight, Muffin," Mrs. Cartman tells her son. "You'll have lots of fun with Kristy tonight, won't you, Eric?"

Eric grumbles in response.

"Bye, Muffin, be a good boy for the baby-sitter. I'll be back around ten. Bye!"

Once the door slams shut, Eric looks me over, frowning. Being the expert baby-sitter I am, I decide to ease him into getting to know me.

"So, Eric, do you like games? I brought Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders with me in my Kid-Kit."

"I think the question is, Kristy, do YOU like games?"

"Huh?"

Eric pulls out a chair at the kitchen table and sits down. He gestures to the chair across from me. "Have a seat, Kristy. Tell me about yourself."

Shrugging, I take the seat. I feel like I'm a job interview. Or at least what it would feel like since I've never been to a job interview. (Because I'm only thirteen and I already have a full-time job being the President of the Baby-Sitters Club.)

"What would you like to know?" I ask.

"Tell me about...your family. Yes, your family."

"Sure! Out of all my friends, I have a pretty interesting family and that includes Mallory's family and she has SEVEN younger brothers and sisters, including triplets, and Dawn and Mary Anne's family who are now stepsisters because Dawn's mother used to date Mary-"

Eric yawns. "I asked about YOUR family. And I bet that my family is WAY more interesting than yours."

I smile. I know a challenge when I see one. "Oh, I don't know. My family is very unique."

Eric clasps his hands on the table. "I'm listening."

"Well, my immediate family includes my mom and three brothers: Charlie is four years older than me and Sam is two years older. My younger brother, David Michael is eight years old."

"David Michael? He has two names? That is so gay."

"Hey!" I say angrily. "Don't use that kind of language! Anyway, my dad left our family when David Michael was a baby and I've only seen him once since he left. He was kind of a jerk, you know, for leaving us. So last year my mom meets and falls in love with this guy name Watson Brewer, who's now my stepdad. Not only is he a really nice guy, but he's a millionaire!"

"A millionaire?" Eric raises his eyebrow. "Very interesting. Do you live in a mansion?"

"I do," I boast. "However, even though I live in a mansion, I still retain the same lifestyle. I could have gone to Stoneybrook Academy, but I chose to stay at my public middle school."

Eric rolls his eyes. "Lame."

I frown. "Anyway, my mom married Watson last year and I gained a little step-sister and step-brother: Karen, who's seven and Andrew, who's five. Karen actually came to South Park with us and you'll meet her on Monday because she wants to attend South Park Elementary while she's here."

"She does?" exclaim Eric. "Why would anyone want to go to school while they're on vacation?"

"Oh, Karen's very smart," I reply. "She skipped a whole grade!"

"Okay, so your mom married a millionaire and now you have step-siblings. What's so unique about that?" Eric drums his fingers on the table, looking bored.

"Well, I'm not done yet! Watson and my mom decided they wanted to adopt a child-"

"Because they couldn't have their own children?" Eric interrupts. "Does your stepdad's junk not work or something?"

"What?" I exclaim. "No! I mean, I don't know! I think they didn't want us other kids feeling weird that they had their own biological kid. So, anyway, I found out that they had adopted a little girl from Vietnam and the very next day Emily Michelle came to live with us!"

"Vietnam?" snorts Eric. "Why not get a child from a cool country...like Iceland!"

"Iceland?" I shake my head and continue. "But my family doesn't end there! Being there so many people who were now a part of my family, especially lots of little kids, my grandma decided to move in with us."

"Oh, really? Your grandma decided to move into your stepdad's mansion? What a mooch."

"Nannie is not a mooch!" I say angrily. "She helps take care of the kids and she does chores around the house!"

"You mean your stepdad is a millionaire and lives in a mansion and doesn't have any butlers or servants?" Eric exclaims. "That's just fucked up!"

"Eric! Watch your language!" I tell him. "And just because somebody is a millionaire doesn't mean they need help."

Eric snorts. "Laaaame. So let me get this straight: you think your family is all "unique" and "interesting" just because you have a bunch of people who live in a mansion?"

"Well, sure!" I say. "I have my own brothers, my step-siblings, and my adopted sister! How many people do you know has a family like that?"

Eric shrugs. "Well, I definitely beat you for most unique family."

"Okay, tell me about your family," I say.

Eric smiles. "Very well, you asked for it. For the longest time it was just me and my mom. It wasn't until last year when I became curious about who my dad was and asked my mom about him. The only small problem was that my mom is a dirty slut and had slept with many guys the night I was conceived at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance: an Indian chief, Chef, Kyle's dad, Mr. Garrison, the entire Denver Broncos team...anyway, as you can imagine finding my dad wasn't an easy task...until my mom told me she was a hermaphrodite and that she was actually my father, so for the longest time I did think my mother was my father, but then I learned that, in fact, that my mother is my mother and my father was one of the Broncos, a man by the name of Jack Tenorman. Ironically, it turned out it was the same man who was the father of Scott Tenorman, this douchey eight-grader who sold me his pubes and wouldn't give me my money back, so to get my revenge, I invited Scott to a chili cook-off. Little did he know, I had managed to get his parents killed by a farmer who shot them when they were trespassing on his property and when the police weren't looking, I stole the body bags and cut up his parents and put them into the chilli which I gave to Scott and he ended eating his parents!"

I stare at him for the longest time. This is the most sadistic child, no scratch that, PERSON, I have ever met in my life. "You're lying," I finally say. "About everything."

"No, it's true!" he insists. "You can ask Stan or Kyle."

I sit back and cross my arms. "I don't believe that your mom is a hermaphrodite and I think it's terrible that you call her a slut; nobody should speak about their mom that way."

"But it's truuuuue!" Eric whines. "My mom is a dirty crackwhore. She was even on the cover of Crack Whore magazine."

"And I definitely don't believe your dad is a man that you say that you killed and fed to your alleged half-brother. I think you're just a sick child who likes to make up sick stories."

"You're just jealous because you know my family is way more cooler than yours!" Eric says. He looks at the clock on the microwave. "Oh! T_he Christian Bale Show _is going to start soon!"

"_Christian Bale Show_?" I ask.

"Yeah, you know the Russell Crowe show where he goes around the world beating people up? This show is like that, except it shows Christian Bale cussing people out. He'll be at a restaurant and the waiter will bring him the wrong order and he'll be like, 'WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BEEF WELLINGTON? I DIDN'T ORDER THE FUCKING SALMON!' It is so fucking funny!"

"Eric!" I exclaim. "What did I tell you about using that kind of language in this house?"

"Whateveh, this isn't your house! I do what I want!"

"Well, I'm your baby-sitter and I don't think your mom would be happy that you're using that naughty language!"

"Whateveh, whateveh! I do what I want! I do what I want!"

I close my eyes. I'm about to lose it, but I must not let Eric know it. Rule number one as a baby-sitter: never let the kid see that they're getting to you.

Eric jumps up and runs to the living room. I follow him into the room and he turns on the TV and sure enough Christian Bale is screaming obscenities at a director on his new movie set.

"Eric, you turn off the TV at once!" I demand. "You shouldn't be watching TV anyway, especially not a show like this."

"And what if I don't?" Eric taunts.

I clench my teeth. I can handle this. I'm Kristy Thomas, the President of the Baby-Sitter's Club for God's sake! I had dealt with my share of rambunctious children before, so certainly I could deal with this one!

"Eric, I'm going to ask you again to please turn off the TV and if you don't, there will be serious consequences to pay."

There. Be firm with the kid.

"Ooh, I'm so scared," Eric replies, his eyes not leaving the screen.

"Okay, fine," I reply. "You want it that way? I'll just have to call your mother. I'm sure she'll be thrilled that I'm interrupting her evening."

"Whateveh, I do what I want," Eric replies as I return to the kitchen to pick up the phone and dial the number Mrs. Cartman left for me.

She picks up on the second ring. "Hello, this is Lianne Cartman."

"Hi, Mrs. Cartman? This is Kristy, Eric's baby-sitter. I'm sorry to interrupt your evening, but-"

"Oh, dear, is everything okay?" she asks.

I sigh. "Not exactly. I must say that Eric is misbehaving and he's watching a show that's not appropriate for him and he won't turn it off."

"Did you slap him?"

"No! Mrs. Cartman, I really don't feel comfortable slapping a child. I believe physical abuse towards a child is never the answer."

"Well, let me talk to Eric and I'll see if I can help you out."

"Thanks, Mrs. Cartman and I'm so sorry about this." I put the receiver down and go back in the living room. I can't keep the smugness out of my voice as I say, "Oh, Eric, your mother is on the phone and would like to talk to you."

He grumbles something as he gets up and follows me to the kitchen where I take a seat and watch him pick up the receiver. I'm certainly not going to miss this!

Eric's face seems to magically crumble before me and tears spring out of his eyes. "Maaammmm! My baby-sitter is being so mean to meee!" he wails between sobs and hiccups. "All I want to doooo is watch my TV showwww and she's making me scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush! It's so unfairrrr!"

"What!" I exclaim. "That is not true! Eric, give me the phone!"

"Now she's trying to attack meeee!" he wails. "Maammmm come home nowwww!"

I manage to pry the phone out of his hands. "Mrs. Cartman, I can assure you that what your son just said is absolutely not true!"

"I told Eric that he can watch his show if he's a good little angel for you for the rest of the night and I'm sure he will be. Just give him some Cheezy Poofs - those are his favorite. I really must be going now. Bye!"

"But, Mrs. Cartman-"

_Click._

I hang up the phone and glare at Eric. "Well, I guess you win. If your mom doesn't care that you pig out on junk food and watch shows with filthy language, then who am I to stop you?"

"That's right," Eric says in a satisfied tone. "I do what I want!"


	6. Bonding With Butters

**Baby-Sitters' Colorado Vacation**

**Chapter 6**

**Bonding With Butters**

_Dear Jessi,_

_I really wish you and Mal could be here with us, but I guess somebody has to stay in Stoneybrook and baby-sit the clients there, right? We still have yet to go skiing, and there is certainly plenty of snow for it! Kristy's idea for baby-sitting for families in South Park was a great one (of course!) and we've had many parents calling us to watch their kids. We'll see you guys in about a week!_

_Love,_

_Mary Anne_

I was a little bit nervous about baby-sitting for my charge Sunday afternoon because last night Kristy came back from her job and told us all what a nightmare it had been. Apparently the young boy she had baby-sat for wouldn't stop cursing and told her this horrific story about how he had killed his dad, though he didn't know he was his dad at the time. So you can probably understand why I was a little nervous.

I ring the doorbell and a few seconds later a young boy with blond hair and a blue shirt answers.

"Butters?" I ask.

"That's me!" he replies.

I smile; I can't help but be charmed by him. "Hi, I'm Mary Anne. I'll be your baby-sitter today."

"Oh, boy! We're going to have so much fun!"

"Butters? Did you answer the door? What did I tell you about answering the doors for strangers?" An angry man appears behind Butters.

Butters looks guilty. "But, Dad, this is the baby-sitter."

"Well how do you know it's not a serial killer pretending to be your baby-sitter so she can abduct you?"

"Your dad is right," I tell Butters. "You shouldn't answer the door for strangers."

Butters looks down at the floor. "I'm s-sorry, sir."

"Well, come in, Mary Anne," Butter's dad tells me. "My wife and I are about ready to go. Now Butters is grounded and he is not allowed to go outside and he's not allowed to have any friends over. He's also not allowed to watch television, use the computer or phone or listen to any music. Why don't you tell Mary Anne why you're grounded, Butters. Go on, tell her."

Still hanging his head in shame, Butters says, "I-I forgot to put the toilet seat down when I went tinkle last night."

"That's right, Butter's mother nearly fell in the toilet when she sat down to use it right after Butters did." Mr. Stotch clucks his tongue. "We've reminded Butters again and again to always put the toilet seat back down after he's done using it, but does he ever listen to us? No!"

I feel Mr. Stotch is being unfair, but there's no way I'm going to speak up and tell him.

"Now there's a list of chores Butters is to do for his punishment," he continues. "They're taped to the refrigerator. There's plenty on there to keep him busy while we're gone."

"Well, uh, he's awfully sore, isn't he?" Butters asks me after his parents leave. "I guess I better see what's first on that list of chores, huh?"

I follow him into the kitchen where he takes the list off the fridge. "'Number one," he reads, "alphabetize everything in the fridge and in the pantry.' Wow, I better get started! That might take awhile."

"I'll help you," I volunteer as I open a cabinet door and start taking out all the spices.

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea," Butters says in a nervous voice. "My dad might ground me again if he knows I had help."

"I promise I won't tell him and I think you'll be able to get more of these chores on this list faster if you have someone helping you." I quickly scan the list. It's numbered to twenty-five.

"Well, uh, okay, if you insist," Butters replies. He pushes a chair over to the pantry and starts taking out the packages of food.

"So your parents are pretty strict with you, especially your dad, huh?" I ask as I turn all the spices so the labels are facing forward.

"Yes, he, uh, gets pretty sore whenever I do something bad."

"My dad used to be really strict with me," I tell him.

"R-really?"

I nod. "Just up until a year ago, he made me wear my hair in braids - that's when I used to have long hair, of course - and I had to wear a knee-length skirt, a sweater, and penny loafers to school everyday. I also had a strict curfew, even on weekends."

"Y-you did?" asks Butters. "Why was your dad so strict with you?"

"Well, my mom died when I was very young and my dad felt like he had to be my father AND my mother, I guess. But within the last year, he's been a lot more lenient with me. Of course, it did help that he rekindled a romance with his high-school sweetheart and they got married. In fact, my stepmom is one of my best friend's mom, so my best friend is also my stepsister!"

"Hamburgers!" exclaims Butters.

"It will get better with your parents when you get older, I promise," I say.

"Gee, I sure hope so. I'm sick of getting grounded every week for things that are more my friends' fault than my own! Why, I even get grounded on my birthday every year because my parents don't approve of the day I was born on!"

"What?" I exclaim. "How can they not approve of your own birthday? You can't help what day you're born on!"

"Well, uh, see, I was born on September 11, 2001, you see, and -"

My eyes start to brim with tears. "Oh, you poor thing." Of all the days to be born, this sweet, little innocent child had to be born on the worst day in American history. How awful!

"Y-yeah, my dad says since I was born on the same day those gosh darn terrorists attacked America, it was probably my fault and that's why I'm always grounded every birthday."

I shake my head. Butter's parents were so awful! Maybe I should call Child Protective Services on them. While I'm considering picking up the phone, the doorbell rings.

"Uh-oh," says Butters. "I hope that's not a stranger."

"Wait right here," I tell him as I go to answer the door. Two kids stand before me on the front stoop. One is wearing a red-poof hat and the other is wearing a green ushanka.

"Can Butters come out and play?" asks the boy in the red-poof hat.

"Um, are either of you Eric Cartman?" I ask. I really hope not because I don't know if I can deal with a cursing parent-killing child.

"No, we didn't invite that fatass," says the boy in the green ushanka. "I'm Kyle and this is Stan."

Of course. Those names sound familiar. Claudia had baby-sat for Kyle and said he was really smart and Stacey had baby-sat for Stan and said he had saved her life. She didn't tell us how, exactly, but I had assumed she had fainted from her diabetes and he had given her a shot of insulin.

"I'm sorry, boys," I tell them. "Butters is grounded and I've been given strict orders by his father that he can't go out or have any friends over."

"Awww, Butters is always grounded," Stan whines.

"Hi fellas!" Butters says behind me.

"Hey, Butters," says Stan. "We heard you're grounded again."

"Yeah, I can't go play with you guys or my dad will be awfully sore." He turns to me. "Mary Anne, I'm done with the first task. The next item on the list is to sweep the garage. I better get started."

"Well, we'll see you at school tomorrow, man," says Kyle as he and Stan turn to leave.

By the time Mr. and Mrs. Stotch return, Butters and I have managed to finish the first ten items off the list.

"Well, I was hoping you would have the majority of these chores done, but I guess it's better than nothing," Mr. Stotch sighs when he sees what Butters has accomplished.

"Aww, I'm sorry, Dad, I promise I'll do better next time. Honest! Please don't be too sore with me," says Butters.

I wonder if I should speak up, but in the end I decide to keep my mouth shut because I am too shy and this really is not my place.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

"Someone very special has a birthday coming up," Mr. Brewer announces that evening as we all sit down to a dinner of hamburgers and potato salad. Well, except for Dawn. She's having a tofu burger.

"I am!" exclaims Karen, bouncing up and down in her seat. "My birthday is next Friday! I'll be eight!"

Watson nods. "That's right. Of course we'll celebrate with the rest of the family when we return to Stoneybrook, but if there's anywhere special you'd like to go in Denver or anywhere else nearby, then we can definitely try to make that happen."

"Ooh," says Karen. "I am not sure where I would like to go for my birthday. I am not familiar with Denver."

"What about Casa Bonita?" I suggest, remembering one of the attractions I had read about in my_ Denver Guide Book_ on our plane ride.

"What is Casa Bonita, Mary Anne?" Karen asks.

"It's a large Mexican restaurant in Lakewood, which is a suburb of Denver, and it has cliff divers, a cave you can walk through, a puppet shows, fire jugglers, performances, and other things I'm sure I'm not remembering at the moment," I reply. "It's supposed to be very popular with kids and it's like a theme park. I read that pretty much everyone who lives in Colorado and bordering states know about Casa Bonita."

"Oh my Lord!" exclaims Claudia. "That sounds awesome! I love Mexican food."

"It sounds disgusting!" Dawn replies wrinkling her nose.

Karen's eyes light up. "That is where I would like to spend my birthday, Daddy! Oh, Daddy, can we go to Casa Bonita for my birthday? Can we? Can we?"

Watson shrugs. "I don't see why not. I'll call them after dinner and make reservations for Friday at seven."

"Oh, boy! This is going to be the best birthday ever!" shouts Karen.


	7. Invitations

**Baby-Sitters' Colorado Vacation**

**Chapter 7**

**Invitations**

_Dear Hannie,_

_Oh my goodness! I love Colorado so much! I want to move here! Well, not really, because then I would miss you and Amanda and all my other friends. I think I will ask Daddy if he can buy a timeshare in Aspen because that's where all the rich people ski. If he does, maybe I can invite you and Amanda and all my other friends to ski! I am so excited for my birthday! We are going to a restaurant called Casa Bonita and it is supposed to be like a Mexican Disneyland!_

_See you soon!_

_Your best friend,_

_Karen_

Last night Daddy had called and made reservations for Casa Bonita this Friday.

"I was able to get a great deal on the party room which seats twenty people, so since we'll have ten extra seats, you can invite ten friends I'm sure you'll make while you attend South Park Elementary this week," he tells me as he drives me to the school.

"Okay!" I say. "This is going to be so much fun!"

Daddy pulls the rental car in front of the school. "Well, here it is," he says. "Would you like me to come in with you, Karen?"

I shake my head. "No, thank you, Daddy. I am almost eight years old. I am old enough to go inside by myself."

Daddy smiles and pats me on my head. "You are very right, Karen. Now, remember, you're going to meet the school counselor, Mr. Mackey, first and he'll tell you which class you'll be joining during your duration. When I called the school, they said the office is the first room you'll see when you walk in."

"Okay, Daddy!" I give him a kiss on the cheek before hopping out of the car.

I enter the school and immediately see the office. There is a woman with curly blonde hair and black glasses sitting at a desk with a nameplate that reads Principal Victoria.

"Hello," I tell her. "My name is Karen Brewer. I am visiting from Stoneybrook, Connecticut. I am supposed to meet with Mr. Mackey."

"Ooh, yes, hello, Karen, we were expecting you," she replies. "Mr. Mackey's office is right through there. You can go on in; he's expecting you."

I walk through another door and see a skinny man with an extremely large head. "Hello, you must be Karen Brewer," he says when he sees me. "I'm Mr. Mackey and I'll be your counselor while you're here, m'kay?"

I nod.

"Now I hear you're visiting us from a small town in Connecticut?"

I nod again. "That is correct, sir. I am from Stoneybrook."

"It's good to have you here at South Park Elementary while you're visiting our town, Karen, and you'll be in Mr. Garrison's fourth grade class, m'kay? Now I know you're in third grade back at your school in Stoneybrook, but our third grade classes are all full, m'kay?"

"That is fine," I tell him.

"All right, then, let's go meet your new classmates, m'kay?"

He gets up and I follow him out the office and down the hall to one of the classrooms.

"...and even though he was their teacher in middle school and high school, Mr. Feeny also followed Corey, Shawn, and Topanga to college where he was one of their professors."

Mr. Mackey knocks on the door. "Mr. Garrison, this is Karen Brewer, she's the visiting student from Connecticut, m'kay?"

"Yes, come in, Karen, we were expecting you," Mr. Garrison says. "Yes, welcome to our class, Karen," he says talking out of the side of his mouth and holding up his right hand where a puppet with a large red and white striped hat sits. "This is Mr. Hat," he explains to me. "Why don't you tell the class a little about yourself, Karen?"

"Okay." I walk over and stand in front of the class. Twenty faces look at me expectantly. "My name is Karen Brewer. I am almost eight years old and I live in Stoneybrook, Connecticut. I am in the third grade, although I should be in second grade because I skipped a grade at my school." I see a few boys roll their eyes, but I continue. "I have a younger brother named Andrew and three older step-brothers named Charlie, Sam, and David Michael and an older step-sister named Kristy and a younger sister named Emily Michelle who is adopted from Vietnam.

"This is fucking lame," a fat boy in a red coat comments.

"Eric Cartman, you watch your goddamn mouth!" Mr. Garrison shouts at him.

One of my best friends is named Hannie Papadakis. She has an older brother and she is Jewish-"

"Hey, Kyle, she's a Jew lover!" the fat boy shouts.

"Shut up, Cartman!" a boy in an orange coat yells back at him.

"My other best friend is named Amanda Delaney. She has a cat named Prisilla who cost four hundred dollars."

"If I had a four hundred dollar cat, I would be sooooo happy," says a boy in a blue coat and hat.

"Um, Karen, this is all very fine and interesting, but I'm going to need you to wrap this up so we can continue with our lesson today," Mr. Garrison tells me.

I stick out my lower lip. I do not liked to be rushed. "Oh!" I say, suddenly remembering. "My birthday is this Friday and my daddy got reservations for my family and my step-sister's friends for Casa Bonita -"

"CASA BONITA!" shouts the fat boy.

"-and I am allowed to invite ten of my new friends to go along with us, so if anybody wants to go-"

"Me, me, me, me!" the fat boy exclaims, throwing up his hand. Everyone else also raises their hands.

"Oh, wow, Casa Bonita must be very popular," I say.

"Are you kidding? Every kid who lives within 100 miles of Casa Bonita goes their for their birthdays," a girl in a pink hat tells me.

Oh, no. This is going to be a little difficult to decide on who to take.

"How are you going to decide on who to take?" asks a boy in a brown coat.

"Um, will I make my decision by Thursday," I tell them. "That way, that will give me enough time to get to know all of you."

"Thank you, Karen, is that all?" asks Mr. Garrison.

I nod. "Yes."

"Now you may take a seat and we will start our geography lesson for today." Mr. Garrison pulls down a map of the United States as I take a seat.

The boy in the orange jacket raises his hand. "Mr. Garrison, I need to use the bathroom."

"Kyle, what have I told you? You need to ask Mr. Hat if you need to use the bathroom."

Kyle sighs and rolls his eyes. "Mr. Hat, may I please use the bathr-"

"NO!" Mr. Garrison puts his puppeted hand in front of Kyle's face. "You go to hell, Kyle! You go to hell and you die!"

I cower in my seat. Mr. Garrison is not like any of the teachers at my school in Stoneybrook.

Mr. Garrison takes a long stick and points to Colorado on the map. "Today, class, we are going to learn about famous people who were born in Colorado. Kristin Davis, who played Charlotte York on _Sex and the City_ was born in Boulder-"

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

During recess two girls approach me. One is the girl with the pink hat and the other has blonde curly hair.

"Hi, Karen," says the girl in the pink hat. Her voice reminds me of a chipmunk's. "My name is Wendy and this is Bebe."

"Hello," says the other girl.

I smile at them. I love making new friends! "Hello, Wendy! Hello, Bebe! I like your hat, Wendy."

"Oh, well, thank you." Wendy touches her hat. "As the two most popular girls in the fourth grade, Bebe and I thought we should advise you on who to invite - or at least consider inviting - to your party and those who you should avoid inviting at all cost."

Bebe nods. "You can't find any advisers better than us; shall we go over and talk under the tree over there so we can have some privacy?"

I nod. "That would be great! Thank you so much!"

Wendy and Bebe lead me over to a secluded tree and we all sit under it.

"Well, obviously, you should invite Bebe and me because we're really cool and fun and we're doing you this great service," Wendy says.

I nod. "Of course you may come to my party! I am very popular at my school, too, so it makes sense for me to invite the most popular girls." Of course, this is not true at all, but my new friends do not need to know this.

"Wendy and I have compiled a list of who should be on your invite list," Bebe tells me.

"You made a list already!" I say. "Wow, you guys are very organized."

"Yeah, we made it while Mr. Garrison was droning on about celebrities from Colorado," Bebe explains. "Now first on the list is Stan Marsh." She points to the boy in the brown jacket who is having a snowball fight with his friends.

"Oh, good idea," I say. "He is very cute."

"Um..." Bebe glances sideways at Wendy who glares at me.

"Whoa, you better not get any ideas! He's my man!" she fumes.

"Oh!" I say. "I am sorry; I did not know."

Wendy calms down a little. "It's okay. Just don't get any funny ideas. Bebe, if you will, please continue with the list."

"Right," Bebe says a little uncertainly. "Now the next person on the list is Kyle Broflovski. He's Stan's best friend and you should invite him for a couple reasons: he's the second richest kid in school-"

"Because he's Jewish," Wendy interjects.

"-and he has a nice ass." Bebe giggles.

"Oh, Bebe, are you still going on about that?" Wendy rolls her eyes. "But he does have a pretty nice ass. Don't tell Stan I said that!" Both girls start giggling manically.

"Oh, and speaking of cute rich boys with nice asses, Token Black is someone you should definitely invite," Bebe adds.

"Are there going to be any other girls besides you two?" I ask.

Wendy and Bebe glance at each other before looking back at me.

"I don't like the idea of having other girls at a party where they might oogle my boyfriend," Wendy sniffs. "Besides, all the other girls in our class are totally lame."

"Totally," Bebe agrees. "I mean, did you see those shoes Nellie was wearing today? They are soooo 2009!"

"I know!" exclaims Wendy. "I mean, hellooo! What was she thinking? I wouldn't be caught dead wearing something so outdated!"

I quickly glance down at my Osh Kosh overalls and red turtleneck, hoping I am not wearing anything that is outdated. "Well, I do not want to have all boys at my party."

Wendy sighs. "Very well. I suppose we can invite Heidi. She did vote Zac Efron as the cutest actor at our last list-making meeting and at least she's dating Clyde so we don't have to worry about her stealing our men."

"Yeah, but if we invite her, we'll have to invite Clyde and he's a douche," Bebe replies.

"Bebe, sometimes we just have to make sacrifices," Wendy snaps at her. "We'll just have to cross off Craig in order to add Clyde."

"Or maybe we should cross off Kenny; he may not make it by next Friday," suggests Bebe.

"If Kenny isn't with us by next Friday, then Craig can stay on the list," replies Wendy. "But for now, Kenny will be above Craig."

"Okay, so we have me, you, Stan, Kyle, Token, Heidi, and Clyde," Bebe says. "To round off the list, you should invite Jimmy, Butters, and Kenny, but if Kenny dies by Friday, then you should invite Craig in his place."

"I don't know; Butters is kind of lame," says Wendy. "Maybe we should invite Timmy instead of him?"

"Timmy can't carry a conversation, and besides, Butter's Casa Bonita experience was ruined when he couldn't go to Kyle's party," Bebe replies. "He should be invited."

Wendy nods. "Very well." She turns to me. "Well, there you go, Karen, those should be your ten people. Now of course the decision is entirely up to you, but if there's one person that you should avoid inviting at all cost, it's-"

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" a voice says and we turn to see the fat kid with the red coat who had kept interrupting me when I was introducing myself to the class earlier.

"Damn it, Eric, what do you want?" Wendy yells at him.

Eric comes over to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. "I just wanted to see if my new BFF Karen wanted to build a snowman with me." He starts singing: "_My best friend and me...we're gonna have so much fun...just you wait and see...Karen, you're my best friend...until the end..."_

"Um, what are you doing?" asks Bebe, putting her hand on her hip.

"I already told you, bitch, I'm going to build a snowman with my new best friend, Karen."

He takes my arm and starts to lead me other to the other boys he was playing with, but Wendy takes my other arms and tugs me back towards her.

"You are NOT going to have any influence over who she should invite to Casa Bonita!" Wendy hisses.

"What? Like you guys weren't telling her earlier who to invite and who not to?"

"Well she's certainly not going to invite some ugly fat boy like you!" Bebe retorts.

"Bitch, you better watch your mouth!" Eric roars back at her. He looks at me, giving me pleading puppy-dog eyes. "Now, Karen, you don't want to invite these two cunts, do you?"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL US THAT!" Wendy screams at him, letting go of my arm so she can walk over to him and kick him right in the groin.

Eric immediately drops to the ground. "FUCK! MY BALLS! YOU BITCH!" he screams.

Everyone on the playground stops what they are doing and turn to face him. Kyle starts laughing manically.

"YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, KYLE!" Eric screams at him.

Wendy looks at me pointedly. "What I was going to say before we were so rudely interrupted, was that the person you should not invite is this asshole - Eric Cartman."

"But other than that, whoever you want to invite is fine with us," Bebe adds with a smile. "Although you should very much consider who we suggested for you. That will be your best bet."

"Thank you very much, you two," I tell them. "You were very helpful today and I cannot wait until my birthday party at Casa Bonita!"


End file.
